Everyone Calm Down

This Is Going to Get Loud

Does Trump realize what an affidavit for a search warrant consists of? In this case, it’s a document sworn out by a DOJ official detailing all the reasons the DOJ has probable cause to justify the warrant. I mean, I feel most affidavits for search warrants aren’t filled with a lot of praise for the party involved.

This Hurts Me More Than It Does You. And That Pisses Me Off

Please advise, my lawyer friends: do affidavits for warrants frequently contain material that HELPS the party they’re trying to get the warrant for, as Trump seems to believe? Are the arguments ever presented along the lines of, “I dunno. We’re sort of just throwing darts at the wall here. There’s a very real chance we’re wrong about this, but why not take a look at the documents he feloniously took with him and then lied repeatedly about having – although again, we’re willing to bet there’s a totally justifiable reason for that – just to be totally sure. He’s a former president and this has never been done before, but to we see no reason for that give us pause before proceeding. Cos, you know, we’re the Deep State.”

Can’t Believe This Needs Pointing Out, But Here We Are

If the affidavit WERE exculpatory, it seems odd the judge would grant the warrant.

Trump wanting the affidavit released puts me in the odd position of wanting something he wants. But I also suspect the DOJ’s point, that releasing this may interfere with the investigation, has merit.

Do I think Trump is guilty of everything he’s being investigated for? Yes, and a whole lot more.

Love America? Prove It.

But he hasn’t been charged yet.

So the only responsible and, yes, goddammit, AMERICAN thing to do is to withhold definitive judgment – and certainly withhold judgment publicly – until all the facts play themselves out. So the Left should wait a while before they uncork the champagne. Or more realistically, before they unseal whatever mason jar their organic, locally-sourced, twee 19th century, eye-rollingly insufferable IPA they fermented at their local co-op’s basement.

And to the Right: shut the f#k up. Politicians, especially. Wait until the facts are out, you shameless boot-licking, amoral quislings. You’re LAWMAKERS for f#k’s sake. It’d be nice if you acted as if you understood, or God-forbid, respected the basic tenets of our justice system.

And for the right wing nuts not in office, I see your point. It makes TOTAL sense that the FBI is in the pockets of the “woke mob.” And hey: we’ve all seen hordes of the woke rampaging through our towns, turning everyone gay.

Not to mention historically the FBI is a notoriously SUPER lefty organization. You’re acting on principle. Kudos.
That’s why you were all pissed when they took Hillary’s server. I remember how upset with the FBI you all were then.

Oh Right. The Exact Opposite Thing Happened.

Also, if you could take down your Blue Lives Matter American flags (which violate actual laws about how the American flag is to be treated. But who cares about the American flag? You do, but those laws were probably written by transgender communists), that’d be great. Because if you can just set a aside 30 seconds to try to be honest, you only give a self-righteous f*#k about Blue Lives when they’re going after people you don’t like.

So, in summation, I think we should just see what happens. And some people should also f#k the f#k off.

Published by Jack Canfora

I'm an award winning and losing playwright and screenwriter; I'm a dad of two great kids, an aggressive spoiler of dogs, and hopelessly addicted to baseball and The Beatles. I have no recollection of ever having worn a mullet, yet photos in the 80's say otherwise.

One thought on “Everyone Calm Down

  1. Brilliantly written and argued, Jack! If we can’t recognize ourselves in this and laugh at exactly how ridiculous we are, we have bigger problems than search warrants and disclosure.

    Personally I come from people who “unseal whatever mason jar their organic, locally-sourced, twee 19th century, eye-rollingly insufferable IPA they fermented at their local co-op’s basement.” And I’m laughing because that’s a perfect description of us. Maybe while we calm down and wait to see what happens, we can all just try to recognize where we are and work toward the middle.

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