Breaking: Transcript of Recording Seized During FBI Mar-A-Lago Search Leaked

The NY Times reports Trump is seeking to pre-emptively pardon himself and his children. Here’s, according to anonymous sources, how the meeting went down:

Trump: So listen. I want to pardon myself for stuff.

White House Lawyer: what “stuff,” sir?

Trump: Just answer the question.

WHL: You didn’t ask a question, sir.

Trump: I wanna pardon myself for any future crimes, er, or, you know, whatever, past, or whatever people might want to falsely accuse me of.

WHL: Sir, first of all, you can’t pardon your-

Trump: Ivanka, too. In fact, all my kids. But definitely Ivanka.

WHL: All of your children?

Trump: Maybe you’re right. Ok. They can have Eric. But the rest of them. Even the little one, Melania’s one…what’s his name. Snoopy.

WHL: Sir?

Trump: You know who I’m talking about.

WHL: You mean Barron?

Trump: what did I say?

WHL: Um….Snoopy.

Trump: Oh right. That’s how I remember his name. What’s his name. The kid.

WHL: Barron?

Trump: Yeah. Cos of the war.

WHL: ….

Trump: Jesus, the War! During the Revolution, when Washington was taking over the airports, Snoopy had to shoot down that Kraut guy first. The Red, um….

WHL: you mean the Red –

Trump: Shut up! Don’t tell me! Don’t you ever talk to the president that way. I’m the President of the United States.

WHL: I know, sir. In fact, would you like to put the Presidential Seal down for a minute? It looks heavy.

Trump: Thanks. You’re a good guy. Loyal. Just don’t let me forget it. That’s happened a few times, and they’re more expensive than you’d think. Anyway. (Long pause) What was I talking about?

WHL: You were trying to remember the name of your-

Trump: Right! Shhh! It’ll come to me. (Very, very long pause.) The guy Snoopy shot down to win the Revolution. The Red…man…woman…

camera…hat. Um…(Pause. He slumps, defeated)

WHL: The Red Barron, sir?

Trump: Exactly.

WHL: Actually, I think The Red Barron shoots Snoopy down in the song, sir.

Trump: What song? (Pause) Anyway, yes. A pardon for him, too.

WHL: Well, sir, first of all, Barron is still a child.

Trump: Still? Jesus, she coddles that boy. Then a kiddy pass, or whatever. A Pardon Junior. I don’t know the fancy legal term for it.

WHL: Again, sir, you can’t pardon someone who hasn’t been convicted of anything.

Trump: Don’t try to confuse me with your fancy law words like “convicted” and “hasn’t.” Just get it done. I want them all on my new tiny desk tomorrow. Now get out of my office.

WHL: This isn’t your office, sir. The Secret Service drove you to my house. This is my kitchen.

Trump: And it’s a dump. Fix that, too. Anyway, get it done. I’ve gotta call Ivanka.

WHL: At three in the morning?

Trump: Yeah. She answers the phone all breathy this time of night. It takes her a minute to really wake up. That’s when I can…tell her things.

(Trump raids refrigerator, stacks turkey leg, jello, and cole slaw on top of the Presidential Seal, and exits)

Published by Jack Canfora

I'm an award winning and losing playwright and screenwriter; I'm a dad of two great kids, an aggressive spoiler of dogs, and hopelessly addicted to baseball and The Beatles. I have no recollection of ever having worn a mullet, yet photos in the 80's say otherwise.

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