Aries – Zoran, Fifth Lord of the Legions of Vengeance, has decreed the time to exact retribution for your betrayal of the sacred blood oath is nigh, so today’s not a day to sweat the small stuff.
Taurus – The stars are just showing us a picture of a guy giving you the finger
Gemini – Today will present a golden opportunity for you to finally shut the fuck up
Cancer – Brace yourself, Cancers, today is going to be “one of those days.” And by “one of those days,” we mean indicted for Manslaughter
Leo – After the rough patch of last week, this week will still feel like a frozen hell scape
Virgo – Your loved ones are going to lean on you in the next few days, so it’s important to be strong and stay the course in your emotional distance from them
Libra – you will find yourself able to speak fluent French (this applies to French Libras only)
Scorpio – Good news! The stars forecast smooth sailing both financially and in personal relationships. Except you, Kevin. The stars think you’re a dick, and they’re right.
Sagittarius – DM us. ASAP. It’s important.
Capricorn – The spirit of Christmas will fill your soul with a joy so profound you can’t contain it, confusing many members of your family and synagogue
Gemini, 2nd horoscope, because apparently Geminis are twins or some such bullshit: It’s important to focus on your relationships this week. You’re going to need as many character witnesses as possible
Aquarius – That guy you saw about that thing? He says it’s all cool now.
Pisces – The good news: this week you will have never felt more comfortable simply being the REAL you. The bad news: the real you creeps the rest of us out.