Your Horoscope

astronomical clock in prague

Aries – Zoran, Fifth Lord of the Legions of Vengeance, has decreed the time to exact retribution for your betrayal of the sacred blood oath is nigh, so today’s not a day to sweat the small stuff.

Taurus – The stars are just showing us a picture of a guy giving you the finger

Gemini – Today will present a golden opportunity for you to finally shut the fuck up

Cancer – Brace yourself, Cancers, today is going to be “one of those days.” And by “one of those days,” we mean indicted for Manslaughter

Leo – After the rough patch of last week, this week will still feel like a frozen hell scape

Virgo – Your loved ones are going to lean on you in the next few days, so it’s important to be strong and stay the course in your emotional distance from them

Libra – you will find yourself able to speak fluent French (this applies to French Libras only)

Scorpio – Good news! The stars forecast smooth sailing both financially and in personal relationships. Except you, Kevin. The stars think you’re a dick, and they’re right.

Sagittarius – DM us. ASAP. It’s important.

Capricorn – The spirit of Christmas will fill your soul with a joy so profound you can’t contain it, confusing many members of your family and synagogue

Gemini, 2nd horoscope, because apparently Geminis are twins or some such bullshit: It’s important to focus on your relationships this week. You’re going to need as many character witnesses as possible

Aquarius – That guy you saw about that thing? He says it’s all cool now.

Pisces – The good news: this week you will have never felt more comfortable simply being the REAL you. The bad news: the real you creeps the rest of us out.

Published by Jack Canfora

I'm an award winning and losing playwright and screenwriter; I'm a dad of two great kids, an aggressive spoiler of dogs, and hopelessly addicted to baseball and The Beatles. I have no recollection of ever having worn a mullet, yet photos in the 80's say otherwise.

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